There is a voice of female empowerment missing in our cultural discussions about sex and it’s the one where we stop victimizing ourselves and blaming men for ‘going passed our boundaries’. This is not a one-size-fits-all application to the sexual tug-of-war between men and women in this world, but it is an important message that needs to be brought out into the open, discussed, debated and shared in all areas of our society.
A friend of mine just posted an article on facebook which uses the metaphor of ‘making and drinking tea’ to clarify the definition of ‘sexual consent.’ (It’s pretty good!) But upon reading it I felt compelled to add to the metaphor from my own personal perspective of sexual consent and beyond.
(Here’s the link to the original article: http://www.theloop.ca/this-woman-just-explained-consent-with-the-most-perfect-metaphor/ )
‘Unevolved dinosaur consciousness’ (how this article and many modern minds alike refer to sexually pushy men) must also be applied to the unevolved female….
In other words, what is “her” participation in this whole social display of sexual violation? What unconscious part of “her” needs to drink herself into a drunk oblivion, around men who clearly aren’t trustworthy, in seedy situations that inevitably end up in some sort of pain and regret? Where is “she” ignoring her brilliant intuition in favor of trying to seek love, security, attention and admiration from men outside of herself?
Referring back to the ‘tea-drinking’ metaphor used in this original article; it’s like she’s saying…….. “hey, I can’t make the tea for myself, (or at least I don’t want to), so I need a cute, sexy, strong guy to make it for me, and since I know that certain guys are easy prey when it comes to female sexual energy, I’m gonna dress up all sexy to the point where I’m absolutely tantalizingly unavoidable (like casting a hypnotic sexual spell with my luscious good looks and charm), so that I drive these “easily seduced” men (who I knew fine well would be hanging out at that new club downtown!), into a primal hormonal frenzy in order to get my wee cup of tea! (The tea that society told me I can’t make for myself because I’m a female).”
BUT… and here’s the BUT….. “Since I AM a female, I have been conditioned, thanks to eons of religious brainwashing and control, to be terribly confused about my sexual desires…… (sorry… love of tea!) In fact, I’m so torn between what I want and don’t want, what I like and don’t like that the whole thing is so darn confusing – on so many levels! Do I actually really want that cup of tea or am I just using the tea to seduce the guy into taking care of me and our future offspring?”
As for the males in this game, they too have been brainwashed for eons by cultural expectations… only their programming is a tad more straight forward……. Love tea, love ALL kinds of tea, drink as many cups of tea as you possibly can and drink multiple cups at one time when and where possible!
Here’s the thing though – IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO (albeit only one to make tea, but now we’re onto Tango!). And you can scream at me for using this age-old analogy as if I’m some wrinkly bible thumping white male republican who claims that, “she was asking for it…”, but I’m not. I’m a young forward thinking female who played out this painful “game” for years, only to wake up to empowerment and clarity when I FINALLY STOPPED BLAMING MEN FOR HOW AND WHY I ENDED UP IN THESE UNCONSCIOUS SITUATIONS IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I used to cast out lots of tea hooks, while often needing to consume conspicuous amounts of drugs or alcohol in order to numb out the pain of where I was going past my own intuitive guidance system over and over again. Yes, NO MEANS NO and I couldn’t agree more. But my feeling is that we girls are saying “NO” to our own internal feminine (our wise intuitive self who would NEVER walk us into such unconsciousness and pain in the first place) because we are NEEDY and brainwashed to look outside of ourselves for love and security – AS MEN ARE TOO BELIEVE IT OR NOT! (AND we are falling prey to our own powerful primal female programming).
If we were really connected to our centers, we probably wouldn’t put so much energy into how we look…. and we probably wouldn’t make our way to that meat-market of a club….. AND we sure as heck wouldn’t use alcohol and drugs to numb our inner guidance to the point where we end up hanging out with assholes who just want to fuck us.
So WHERE ARE WE DISRESPECTING OURSELVES by putting our precious sacred sweet self into these situations in the first place?
WHAT ARE WE NOT SEEING that gets mirrored in the feeling of not being seen by sexually voracious men?
Where are we VIOLATING OURSELVES by unconsciously following our cultural conditioning & primal programming rather than our brilliant inner guidance system that is connected to the heart of the Universe?
As a woman, ask yourself these questions and take the time to explore their answers and you will fall upon true healing and liberation. It’s either that, or keep blaming ‘horny men’ for pushing past your boundaries, (when you honestly weren’t clear on what they were in the first place thanks to all that cultural brainwashing) – which will only keep you stuck in the ‘female victim’ role…. which is obviously the opposite of female empowerment.
So what to do…..
a) Take responsibility for how you get yourself into these sticky situations in the first place. Look at the possibility of where you may be ‘sleeping’ or behaving unconsciously when it comes to your sexuality, or to men, or to love, etc. If you’re angry at those men who went past you, then yes, OWN THAT ANGER FEARLESSLY and POINT THOSE FINGERS in order to get your dignity and power back out of that horrible experience, but then LET-GO and point those fingers at yourself to see how and why you created this situation in the first place, then change at this deeper level.
b) Stop hooking and seducing assholes.
c) Stop attending those sleezy clubs and parties.
d) Quit wearing super sexy outfits to work to seduce and impress, then shaming and ridiculing your co-workers for looking at your ass.
Come on…. WAKE-UP. WE WOMEN ARE NOT VICTIMS. ***WE ARE NOT VICTIMS OF ANYTHING.*** THIS IS THE BIGGEST VIOLATION OF THEM ALL. To truly believe that we are victims. ***THIS IS THE ILLUSION that keeps recreating itself as repetitive acts of feeling violated over and over again throughout history.***
TO STOP THE PATTERN OF VIOLATION – TAKE OWNERSHIP for the energy you are putting out there, sexually and otherwise, and quit using the female sexual victim card to punish men for not meeting your needs – romantically, legally and professionally.
You have reached a point in your consciousness where you are at liberty to do this. For many women in this world they are no-where near this place of self-empowerment and are therefore relying on us, in one way or another, to pave the way.
Yes it’s absolutely true that men have done and still are doing deplorable and disgusting acts of violence against innocent children, teenagers and women world wide. It’s HORRIFIC. According to Nicholas Kristof & Sheryl Wudunn in their book; “Half The Sky;” More girls have been killed in the last fifty years, precisely because they were girls, than men were killed in all the battles of the twentieth century. More girls are killed in this routine “gendercide” in any one decade than people were slaughtered in all the genocides of the twentieth century.” And, they go onto say; “Far more women and girls are shipped into brothels each year in the early twenty-first century than African slaves were shipped into slave plantations each year in the eighteenth or nineteenth centuries.”
And so believe me, as a female – as an educated human – as an international healer and teacher – as a rape victim – and as a Mother, I have often envisioned castrating these men with my own bare hands and shoving their balls down their throat whilst picking out their eyeballs and burning them alive at the stake…… (which I know to be the powerful and unstoppable feminine force of Kali moving through me saying “NO” to violence and abuse……).
But there is a line in the sand, and I believe that the healing of sexual violence begins with grown women, especially here in the West right now, taking a stance against our female victim/blame mentality…. whatever this may look like. At first we may need to prosecute, throw in jail, scream and shout, get really angry, etc…… And this may be necessary depending on the unique situation…. But at some point we must get it OFF THE EXTERNALS AND BACK TO OUR SELF, if we really want true healing and transformation.
Because we men and women both are seduced by this heavy cloak of religious, cultural and gender brainwashing. We are all suffering as a result of these social games of disconnection… not just women as it may seem on the surface.
And underneath these roles that we play in this ancient game of primal courtship of the species, men and women are divine and beautiful souls all looking for the same thing ultimately – REAL LOVE AND CONNECTION. So holding onto blaming either party (whether it’s played out via girl/girl, boy/boy, girl/boy, or boy/boy/girl etc!), is to just stay stuck in the game.
Taking ownership however, by changing your perspective to see yourself as the sole creator of ALL OF IT, lifts you OUT OF THE GAME and into sexual liberation.
This whole thing – all of it – is one big GIANT SPLIT from who we really are and from the Light in our centers.
And this split will always be confusing, torturous, agonizing, empty and enraging so long as we are engaging it……. because it is the result of SEPARATING from our connection to Greater Mind in our centers.
So our job, my job, your job, as a woman, as a man, as a role model to our youth, is to heal the split by taking ownership for where we are feeding it and making it real in this world. Only then, can we come to truly respect our own sexuality without the need to control it or give it away too freely…. Only then can we learn to trust our intuitions and say “NO” long before we end up in dodgy situations…… Only then can we see through the game and come to see our sexual mates as loving equals – who are looking for the very same thing that we are – CONNECTION…. OF THE TANTRIC KIND…. and only then can we be healthy role models to our children.
Jennifer Hanson © copyright 2016. All rights reserved.