How do you know if your defensiveness is protecting your innocence or protecting your ego? 

Well, in truth there’s no definitive answer, for the mind at least. But there are cues we can look for at the feeling/energetic level. 

Imagine you are receiving some sort of feedback that is making you uncomfortable. You know the kind. Almost every cell in your body is telling you that they’re wrong, defensive, blind, and not seeing the bigger picture and truth like you are. You’re convinced that you hold the superior stance and it’s going to take some work to show the other just how off they are.

Sometimes the push inside of you is so strong, it simply must win. And it will win. And it usually does win - no matter the consequences. It will lay down the ‘truth’, and make that truth the ultimate truth, and that’s it. No mercy. The conversation, the topic, the argument, and sometimes even the relationship, are over. And you deal with the outcome from a position of approval, because you ‘know’ that you were acting righteously for all involved.

Whether you really were right or not, is something you may not really and truly know until your life-review at the point of death. Yes, love can be a strong indicator of truth - and for the most part you can trust your actions if the outcome was loving - but have you ever reached a point in your consciousness when you suddenly see and hear at a whole new level, to realize that all of the times before you may actually have been seeing through fogged glasses?

These are always great turning points in our lives. I think it’s wise to keep the periscope of our psyche on alert for these pivotal moments. They don’t come around often, and when they do, they have a way of getting our attention.

Sometimes, you sense this righteousness rising in you, like all of those other times you were ‘right’… but just before it hits defcon 5, there’s a little wobble - like a jinx in the matrix. Something kinda softens and up sprouts a little ear from the ethers. Do you know the feeling? It’s the sensation of slowly, bravely, tentatively and nervously turning a corner you’ve never turned within your own psyche, and it seems to happen almost outside of your own conscious will. That feeling. The one that makes you start entertaining thoughts like; “Maybe they have a point… maybe I should let them finish talking… maybe there’s some truth in what they’re saying… I’ve heard others say that about me…” 

You sense a growing curiosity about what they’re sharing with you, and yet, true to form, the familiar defensive conditioning kicks in for another round, and maybe even another, but the wobble is there each time, getting bigger. At some stage you begin to feel your confident, authoritative, outspoken, defensive, “I know I’m right” stance fall down a slippery water slide. 

This is the turning point. 

- Psychologically and neurologically. This is the crossroads between your familiar programming and your liberation into the unknown, and you seem to be choosing (or something within you is choosing) the unknown.

Obviously as this process takes place, your ego screams, “Noooooooo… you crazy fool. You can’t trust this situation or this person. You are giving your power away. You will become nothing. You are weakening yourself. This is wrong in every way. YOU ARE GOING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.” 

And all of this is absolutely right on. According to the defensive ego, you are a crazy fool, you can’t trust this person, you will become nothing, and you are definitely going in the wrong direction. All of this is true for the ego. Because by acting in an opposing manner, you walk your defensive behavior (and its preceding trauma) right into non-existence. So of course your protective ego will feel this way. You’re surrendering a life-long shield in favor of unknown territory which can be extremely unnerving. But when you’re ready, you get to dis-identify with these ego voices and feelings at the cellular level, and this is the gem to look out for! It’s this gorgeous and delicious defining moment where you leap off the cliff of who you think you’ve been for years and free fall into new territory within your own consciousness. 

“So what if I’m wrong - so what if I’ll have no power left - so what if I’m going to die.”

Sometimes, caving into the unknown and putting everything in the Universe’s hands, is the most liberating thing you can possibly do - even and especially if you’re wrong.  

The light of the truth you have just surrendered to penetrates deeply into the cells of your being, unlocking and dissolving age-old skins that were never really yours to begin with. Other people’s energies you’ve been wearing on the inside start sloughing off. Old wounds unlock and pass on through. Deep fears and mistrusts of men, women, people, life, the universe itself, start surfacing and fading rapidly. All you feel is the vulnerability of free-falling without a parachute - heading into the desert with no direction. It’s a rare and precious treasure of a feeling, and something to embrace with every single cell wide open and in awe. Because it’s a portal - a worm hole into a new you. At this stage it doesn’t even matter whether you or they were right or wrong. The void you have stepped into is beyond right and wrong. It’s a cataclysm for the familiar that you’ve outgrown, and the birthing of a bright new light on the horizon of your consciousness.

The light of this universe comes through for us in spite of the dualistic compartments of our mind. One singular expression can be absolutely right one day and absolutely wrong the next. This is often how the river of Tao meanders… deliberately teaching us how to let go of control and surrender what we think we know in favor of a greater intelligence than the limits of our lesser-mind. I experience this place as a deep love - a love that is in alignment with spirit and nature. 

Personally I keep a faithful inner eye and ear on alert for this little wobble. I see this wobble as God’s interruption. And I treat it as an important spiritual awareness practice because it might just be the gesture that guides me, and the other, into a whole new self.

Jennifer Millar © copyright 2019. All rights reserved.