It is so vulnerable to put ourselves out there creatively. It is such a daring, courageous and bold thing to do that brings an amazing amount of energy into our world – even if this energy is in the form of fear, shame or doubt; at least we’re taking action and facing our blockages rather than doing nothing and staying stuck.
Part of what we face every time we express our creativity is the brainwashing of how we should let it out, what it should look like, and the reaction we should hope to receive from the world if we get it ‘right.’
In other words, we are taught that our own expression of uniqueness is valuable only when the world responds a certain way, and if it doesn’t respond this way, then obviously we have done something wrong; we are the ones who have failed and we must start all over again and get it right the next time if our efforts are to be considered valid or worthy.
It’s almost as if something that once flowed through us indiscriminately and effortlessly is captured, manipulated and forced to flow in a certain direction in order to obtain the specific goals that our society tells us we should… all of this rather than just being creative for the sheer fearless love of it.
Part of my brainwashing tells me that my creative expression must be utilized to make me successful and that my gifts and passions must be honed and pruned and pressured and perfected until they make me attain all of the things that society says I must if I’m to have lived a full and abundant life. But as I face the inevitable failure, shame, wrongness and doubt that this brainwashing creates, I realize that the whole thing is ONE BIG GIANT SET-UP FOR FAILURE.
Buying into the need to create for the purpose of getting a particular reaction from my externals is missing the mark entirely. If I get a positive reaction I’m on a nice high for a while and if I get a negative reaction (or no reaction at all), then I’m feeling low or disappointed for a while. Either way, when I’m attached to the outcome or reaction towards my creation rather than to the joy and love of the creative act itself, I’m giving my power away to my externals without really being aware of it. I’m allowing my externals to dictate to me how much love I should feel toward myself instead of owning the underlying fact that I LOVE MYSELF and that’s all that matters.
Imagine just creating and being creative and doing the things you love doing without any need for them to look, feel, smell, sound, affect or inspire in a certain way? How would this feel and what would you have to let go of to drop into this place?
As I move through my layers of fear, doubt and shame that unlock every time I share my deepest, most vulnerable and unique self with the world around me, I get a glimpse into what exists underneath these illusory feelings and I’m seeing that everything that flows through me in any given moment of creation is a LOVE-OFFERING. It is where the Creator within me wants to love all of its creation through me by participating in the brilliance of all creation!
And it’s that simple!
It is my divine self’s way of SHARING AND GIVING LOVE unconditionally, for the purpose of LOVING and FEELING LOVE, with no need for anything in return… Not a dang thing… Nada!
As soon as I ‘need’ anything in return – and it doesn’t matter what it is – I disconnect from the Creator inside of me, start pushing the river, conforming, seducing, manipulating, competing and driving ahead, not to mention downright stressing myself out. In a sense, as soon as I feel a ‘need’ for something, I entertain a separation from the truth of who I really am and end up ALONE. In other words, it’s my own need that creates my own aloneness, which creates my own need, which creates my own aloneness, which creates my own need………
But when I create from this desire to give of my divine self, to share and give of the love and passion I feel towards the Universal pulse of light and truth moving through me, then I don’t care if anyone else even knows of its existence, let alone benefits from, enjoys it or approves of it. All that matters is that I was in motion, taking action, letting go, letting God, being honest, being real, letting rip, being wild, being free, uncensoring, getting things done… and having a bloody good time whilst doing so!
As I learn to make my creations about the love of creation itself and not about the need to ‘get love’ from the world around me (in the form of approval, attraction, likability, fame, success, inclusion and wealth), then I set myself FREE – unshackled by the need to be seen or liked. I do the things I do for the sake of feeling and sharing love (and keeping the Creator inside of me active and in motion!), rather than from the feeling of lack and needing love.
I can wait around all day, all year, or an entire lifetime for others to give me the love that I need, or I can fill myself up with love by being the generator and just GIVING IT, freely and without attachment.
The same applies to my creativity. If I just GIVE IT FREELY without waiting for a certain kind of reaction, then I become the Creative Generator and free myself from the prison of my own need!
Maybe what we should do to heal this societal conditioning that has been projected onto our creative brilliance, is to create more and more and more; to get out of the way of the mighty river and let it flood through us rather than hold it back for fear of what people will think. The more creative action we take the greater the opportunity to expose and move through the shame, doubt and fear over who we really are. If we take all the creative action we can possibly manage, the more likely it is that we will break the spell of control over our own creativity.
When I feel the fear of what other people will think of my writings for example, the best remedy to get through this is to write more. It is the only way. If I were to stop what I’m doing because I’m feeling fear and self-doubt and making it real, then this particular layer of fear and doubt will remain within my cells and hover over me as one of those invisible cloaks of contraction.
The key to my own transformation is to keep going until it’s about the love affair between me and my creation and nothing else. Whether somebody likes what I’m doing or they don’t, they feel threatened by it or they get turned on by it, I am not attached either way. I am out of the way and in a powerful and sacred love affair with the Creator moving through me.
Ultimately, if I really want to blow my own mind, it isn’t even about the creation!!! It doesn’t really matter what I’m creating or even if there’s any wisdom or energy in it or not. What it’s really about is me taking action through this particular creative expression in order to expose all my layers of fear and self-doubt so that I can clean them out of my system.
And that’s it!!!
It’s about using the vehicle of writing or painting or singing or dancing or whatever… to expose and burn out the illusion of who I’m not, so that I can get all that bit closer to who I really am…
So now when I’m feeling those fears and self-doubts coming up, I see them as a sure sign that I need to WRITE MORE… and keep going…. and keep writing… and keep pushing… through my blocks… all the way… until all I feel for my beautiful sweet creative self is the highest and most profound feelings of love and gratitude.
Jennifer Millar © copyright 2018. All rights reserved.