Sexual energy and the dantian
(part 3 of a 4-part series)
Key Topics: Cellular Memory, Genetic Programming, Suppression of Feminine/Feeling, Rape, War, Ancestral Trauma, Kundalini Energy
Reading Time: 4 minutes
Another fundamental aspect of healing that needed to happen for me to awaken my dantian was in relationship to sexuality. It is my experience that to strengthen our power-center we must bring love and healing into our sexual-center.
I believe that the relationship we have with our own sexual energy is reflected back to us, in some form or fashion, in all other aspects of life. For example, if we are filled with sexual shame, let’s say from being raised in a strict Catholic household, chances are our pelvis, hips, knees, sexual organs, shoulders and face carry tension which may manifest as pain. And because we’ve been conditioned to fear this natural part of ourselves, chances are we hit up against this same wall of fear within our career, love-life and creative expression. We may therefore avoid taking vital passionate risks because we’re frightened of being “wrong” or “a sinner” in the eyes of God or community.
Or consider being raised in a household that viewed sex as a natural and healthy part of life, where you always felt safe, free and open to explore and experiment sexually, never feeling judged or shamed. There’s a good chance you would project this same openness, curiosity and freedom onto everything else that turns you on in life.
It’s no coincidence that the creation and development of human life takes place in our center. There is incredible power and light in there. It is also, by default, a store house for remarkable depths of trauma, both from this lifetime and inherited through the generations. The vital essence of life-force (“Jing”), stored and generated in our lower dantian, is also considered to be the carrier of our heritage (similar to DNA).
We carry most of our fear-based history in this part of our body, particularly in our sexual organs and intestines. It is a mega-hub of cellular memories and one of the most common areas of the body to disconnect from because the trauma is often too great to face. It is often easier, both individually and collectively, to keep this fear suppressed, which is mirrored in the suppression of sexuality and the feminine (in all people) world-wide.
It can be a daunting journey to venture into these dark and scary depths - one that I compare with what Joseph Campbell coined, “The Hero’s Journey” - but more importantly an endeavor that carries the potential for great metamorphosis, not just for self but for the collective.
The genetic female body typically carries the collective memory of rape. I have worked with countless women who have been raped, and just as many who, as they progress along the healing path, are convinced they’ve been raped because they often re-live sexual trauma inside their sexual organs and physical body as if it happened to them. But in many cases it hasn't. This is an example of collective cellular memory so raw and fresh it pulsates with present time aliveness. For us women, (and LGBTQ individuals who resonate with feminine programming), we must bravely face and embrace these memories. As the kundalini energy rises in the pelvis and sexual organs, this could mean facing tremendous shame, mistrust, confusion, control, insecurity, jealousy, physical pain, rage, taboo and psychosis. Not an easy path and one that must be traversed with great care and support.
So often we transfer these memories from our past onto the present moment, unable to discern whether the abuse is up for healing or happening in realtime, so it can take great courage to trust and stay when almost every cell says to “run” - or to run when your trauma patterning is telling you to stay. It’s a very fine line and truly hard to tell the difference at times. Ultimately it rests upon us as individuals to make that call.
The genetic male body typically carries the collective memory of war. This residue of hardness, control, psychosis, numbness, force and disconnection from feeling has created a severance so deep in the psyche that it is difficult for many men (and LGBTQ individuals who resonate with masculine programming) to connect to the intuitive language of energy (their own feeling nature).
Often, when the kundalini rises, intensifying sensitivity, connection and love to unfamiliar heights, what can unearth is an ancient wall of rage and mistrust - predominantly mistrust of the feminine (literally of women or “mother”, figuratively of feeling). This rage and mistrust guards a ton of trauma memory and so can be very difficult to move beyond. The more the feminine kundalini energy pushes against the guard looking for deep connection, the more rage and mistrust can surface, making the pathway treacherously confusing.
More often, the guard maintains its entitled position of control and authority by using force and will to keep the feminine at bay. He will often do this by shaming her, abandoning her and/or resuming the act of disconnected, stimulative sex so he can remain in control. The problem with this is that he never gets to taste the depths of connection and true power that are possible at the other side of that guard - which is the very place he’s actually looking for. Instead, he’ll continue seeking it through stimulation, addiction and destruction, rather than facing the fear of letting-go-of-control. And what many of us don’t realize is that letting-go-of-control is imperative for the chi or kundalini to take over our body-mind system. This is precisely how it gets in and activates our power-centers. We must learn the art of surrender if we want to know the ways of the universe.
The men I know who move through these protection layers by surrendering to the feminine (yin) coming through a man or woman, face and embrace deep terror to do so. It requires dropping into a feeling space that represents every worst fear (and memory) in the book; giving up all power, being dominated by angry, needy women, losing their identity as a man, feeling humiliated and coerced, etc. And of course, the rampant sexual abuse that happens to men also comes to the surface to be healed. Again, a very fine-line to tread.
You most likely recognize yourself in some or all of the patterns described above. I certainly do. We all carry fear-based masculine and feminine programming in our bodies and some aspects of it are thousands of years old. I recall sitting in my bathtub after a tantric love-making session years ago, feeling mistrust, darkness and terror like never before. I was in an altered state, rocking back and forth, doing everything in my power to stay conscious and present with the light. I was accustomed to facing fear because I was in a polyamorous style relationship that constantly pushed my buttons, but in this particular moment I saw something that changed the way I related to fear from that day onward. I remember saying to myself, “I may have been raped and suffered some horrible things in my time on this earth but there’s no-way this fear is just of my lifetime. It’s just too massive. This stuff is hundreds or thousands of years old and not just mine.”
What I realized is that by following the tantric healing path, I was somehow allowing the universe to cleanse my body of some very old atrocities held in the collective unconscious. It was using me, my commitment and structure, my intimate partners and everyone I was connected to, to excavate these ancestral wounds. My job was to get out of the way as best as I could and not take it personally. The amazing thing was that every time one of these huge layers surfaced and I did everything in my power to hang in there - if sometimes only by a thread - the whole thing would dismantle and dissolve, leaving me transformed and way more centered in its wake.
Jennifer Millar © copyright 2019. All rights reserved.