How to let go of a lover when you’ve become attached

Sexual hooks, falling in love and getting back to your center in spirit 

Sexual attraction can be like a drug, making us overlook the integrity and centeredness of our own sensitivity. It’s as if we put on beer goggles, losing our ability to discern the deeper nuances of feeling because the power of the sexual charge blinds us to our not-so-healthy behavior patterns. In short, when a sexual hook is operating we usually stop caring about the practical stuff. The hormonal drug kicks in and we’re heading for a love-sex high whether we like it or not. This is when we fall prey to a whole host of behaviors in self and others that would otherwise send us running for the hills!  

Sometimes sexual hooks can come in the form of potent love-affairs; earth-shattering passion bombs that blow our world apart, filling our empty cracks with the love-glue we’ve been seeking for lifetimes. The kind where we think, “I’ve never tasted this much love before. I’ve never felt so seen and understood. Maybe this is the one!”

Whether our new-found love lasts a few weeks or a couple of years, one thing is certain; a nose-dive into a deeper level of love and connection than we’re used to inevitably uproots its opposite. Like a big love stick stirring the mirky waters of lack, our spirit beckons forth this challenge because we’re ready for it. It’s time to uproot some old fear so we can grow new love within the deepest parts of ourself, and what better way to do so than through the root power of sexual connection. 

The challenge lies in where we choose to place our attachment to this passion and love. Will our fear-based conditioning have us attach to the form it came through, or will our spirit transcend the form and pay homage to the ultimate source of love - the universe? If we take the time to understand the intricacies of what’s happening metaphysically, we can utilize this orqasmic-agony to deepen our connection to self and spirit. 

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As we all know, it’s only a matter of time before this type of charged love-sex bubble starts deflating, usually depicted in clashes of personality and lifestyle. The sexual high begins wearing off leaving us face-to-face with the reality of who our lover really is. “Do I actually have anything in common with this person anymore? Are they really that disconnected? Could I spend the rest of my life with someone who suddenly doesn’t get me?”

It can be painful and confusing to go through this withdrawal. Sometimes even devastating. Just because we’re parting on the external level, doesn’t mean the internal fantasy has loosened it’s grip. Our dreamy utopia conjured up during times of deep intimacy has elevated us to great heights and such heights are not easy to come back down from. We got attached, and for good reason. Give any living thing on this planet something it’s been lacking for a very long time and it’s going to put up a good fight when you take that thing away. So it’s only natural to feel anxious, depressed, fatigued and lonely when ‘losing’ something we have always sought. 

The universe drops these love bombs in our lives and then seems to take them away again, not out of sheer malevolence or torture, but as part of a divine plan. It is downloading the love we lack into our cells to fill up the empty crevices. Importantly, the universe advocates just the right dosage to do the job properly, to clean out the hurts, sorrows, rejections and abandonments - but if we linger too long the healing effect loses its potency as we lose ourself in the other person, defining around them as the source of our love, rather than around spirit. 

Thankfully, if we’ve already established a bond with the universe, this healthy connection pulls stronger than our fear and lack, basically rescuing us from our needy self. And this is such a gift! We may feel like we’re moving through hell but it is heaven in disguise! Spirit is doing this because it loves us - and vice versa. There’s no connection greater than the connection to self and spirit within. If we start giving that away because our fear-based conditioning kicks in, then of course it’s good to be rescued from this part of our self. It is a blessing to be abandoned here, even if it hurts like a bitch.

We are also choosing (or our conditioned self is choosing) to define around the person rather than the light, which is precisely the definition of the “old-female” and “old-male” programming inside each of us. These ego programs define around external forms, becoming addicted, depended and obsessed, rather than letting us define around the energy that animates the form. It is the “divine masculine” and “divine feminine” inside of us that always puts the energy first, no matter the consequences or intensity of feeling that must be embraced to do so. 

For example, the energy says that it’s time to move on. I know this to be true because it doesn’t feel right to go out to dinner with him again. There’s no energy in doing so for some reason and all of my friends are mirroring back the same message. But to say no and back up the energy means being alone again, and this is really sad. I don’t want to be alone again. I’ve been alone for so long and he was the first person I’ve felt connected to in years. But you know what Great Spirit, I trust you and I face this aloneness no matter what. It is more important for me to stay connected to you - the Tao - in my center, than to lose myself in a person or situation where the connection is fading away. If I linger in this place, I will get lonelier, sadder, more desperate and depressed. No matter what, I face the illusion of loneliness and lack in order to stay connected to you as the light in my center. 

So as hard as it may be, the letting go is where the magic’s at. 

It’s the letting go and letting God that carries the potential to turn this external love into a permanent state of inner love. By doing so we release the bird from the cage of our own attachment, trusting that if it flies back, it’s doing so on spirit’s terms and not because our fear and lack demands it. 

Healthy relationships involve this kind of letting-go and there’s no way around it. If we avoid letting-go and letting-God, the passion dies because we’re not facing any fear. We take the relationship for granted and this builds resentment. We also slip into defining ourselves around our partner as the source of our love, rather than our relationship to the universe. But if we trust what the energy is saying by following where we feel expansion and growth, this keeps us on track.

Sometimes energy expands when we move in the direction of intimate connection with another, surrendering everything over to them and allowing them all the way into our soul because this is where the fear’s at; no secrets, no hidden vaults, just raw vulnerability and pure growth. And sometimes we find this expansion when we go in the opposite direction; taking space, facing aloneness and deepening with self and God. The key is learning to discern the difference when we’re blinded by the power of our own need.


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So the aim is to face and embrace whatever feelings we must in order to get back to our center as our primary connection in life, otherwise we’re getting lost in co-dependency. This coming back to self inherently means cycling through uncomfortable and painful grief. It means dying to the form we got attached to whether that was a person, a fantasy or both. But whilst we’re grieving the belief that the connection is gone forever, we want to turn this belief around by attaching the whole thing back to spirit. This is how we extract the magic out of our experience and use it to awaken, deepen and strengthen the love on the inside. 

Here is an example of how I attach my experiences to spirit. It is a sample dialogue that I say when moving through the deepest throws of letting go:

“Dear universe, thank you for this present of ………..? I am in awe at how beautifully you came through him/her for me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so seen, held, nurtured and loved. It was nothing short of miraculous. And thank you even more for taking ………… away, because now I get to attach these beautiful feelings and experiences back to you. All of that passion, love and sweetness was a gift from you to me because you love me. And I feel it, thank you. Plus you never take anything away from me unless you’re going to replace it with something greater. So I’m already thankful for the next present you’re bringing.

Truth is, there’s a little girl in me that really loved being with ………… Please fill this little girl with all of the love in the universe. She really needs it. Thank you for seeing her, touching her and making her feel special. She deserves all of this love and so much more. I’m sorry for all the pain, loss, hurt and aloneness that she has had to endure throughout the years. I love her, the universe loves her and she has done nothing wrong and is perfect in every way. Dear little girl, I am really proud of you for taking this leap. Don’t ever stop leaping. You are my rock star and I love you.

The truth is Great Spirit, it was you who opened me up and had me face all of those fears and doubts. Thank you for using ………… to clear these feelings out of me. And most of all, thank you for not letting me put someone else’s light before my own. My conditioning would have me do this and I’m so grateful that you are stronger than my ego. I attach all of these feelings, miracles, love bombs and passion explosions back to you, because you are the ultimate source of my love. Always have been and always will be.”

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This act of saying “yes” to love, “yes” to letting-go, “yes” to loss, and “yes” to the universe, is a natural healing cycle that allows light to reach our hidden vaults so we can extract old layers of fear and let them go. It is the circle of life and death and when consciously cooperated with, becomes the warriors pathway back to self. When we keep our mind, heart and center open to the Tao as our primary relationship in life, we harness the power to return to the truest love there is in existence. 




Jennifer Millar © copyright 2018. All rights reserved.